David Copperfield- Terrorist

You smarmy bastard. What did you do with the Statue of Liberty?! Why is everyone applauding this?! He EXPLAINS the ENTIRE plan, and we say, "oh, sure, just take the CENTRAL ICON OF THE FREE WORLD." While you're at it, the first born aren't doing a whole lot either. Idiots.

Ma-Ti, the "heart" planeteer

Earth, Fire, Wind, Water... and you. While all the other planeteers were off kicking pollution's ass with earthquakes and tsunamis, you were the 5th element- only not smoking hot like Milla Jovovich. I guess that's why everyone was content to let you play wallflower and get handies from your spider monkey pal. I guess that's why school children the midwest over felt intense pathos when confronted by your learning disorder (as revealed in the classic episode "Teers in the 'Hood"). I guess that's why, dare I say, we pitied your origins as the son of a slain kayapo leader (google fingers are flying). I guess that's why no one asked the tough question,

"Hey, since you can influence the thoughts and emotions of others... WHY DON'T YOU STOP THE FUCKING BAD GUYS?!?!!"

Oh sure, sure- you can only magnify or influence the joy and understanding in another person's heart. But I see joy in the piggy snout of Hoggish Greedly and his stretch SUVs! I mean, if you can't convince him to cease and desist with some rain forest jedi magic, why not get a unicorn or something to fuck him up?

You say unicorns don't exist- I say neither does your heart.

Don't think I've forgotten 1991, Season 1, episode 26, when you let Sly Sludge and Duke Nukem destroy your entire village. I only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears. Not that I'd kiss you. Or your monkey... who I don't trust either.

Hak-Shing William Tan

Yo, Hak!
1. You have too many names.
2. Seriously?

A proponent of California's same-sex marriage ban testified that he thinks gays are more likely to be pedophiles and that allowing them to wed would lead to efforts to lower the age at which teenagers can legally have sex with adults.

Let's flash to an exchange WHILE he was on the stand.

"So you supported this Web site making these kind of statements?" Boies asked.

"Uh, yes," Tam said.

"Do you believe that homosexuals are 12 times more likely to molest children?" the lawyer continued.

"Yeah, based on the different literature that I have read," Tam replied.

Boies pressed Tam to cite books, articles or authors he had read to substantiate the views, but Tam said he could not remember specifics.

Earlier in the trial, a Cambridge University professor testified that there is no evidence to suggest that gays are more likely to molest children than heterosexuals.

non brits using "cheers" as a closing salutation

ok, ok. cheers is the new ciao, and as such a calling card of douche nouveau. It's especially rampant in young professionals, like many douchey qualities. when using the term "cheers" you fall into one of two categories:

1. You have never been, and likely will never go to the UK but you are attempting to appear cosmopolitan and well traveled by using the term "cheers" casually. The thing is... you're not.

2. You have been to the UK or had exposure to people from the area or an area where "cheers" just sounds natural. Now you use "cheers" as a subtle indicator of your travels and exposure to the afore mentioned groups. That's like going to Texas and pretending you naturally say "y'all"... so you're a douche, a posing anglophile douche perhaps... but still a douche.

Celebrity "Sex Addicts"

Sexual addiction is a deeply disturbing problem- luckily we have DOZENS of celebrities to mitigate and cheapen this clinical issue- sparing us the need to take it seriously. Whereas most cheating spouses and lovers are just identified as douchey, celebrities are just as often diagnosed with sexual addiction by their PR Managers- who I assure you are well qualified experts. Speaking on a condition of anonymity, one such representative clarified, "It couldn't possibly be that my famous, attractive, and absurdly wealthy client (who was constantly surrounded by adoring fans and potential sexual partners) made a bad choice. No, no, no. Their SEXUAL ADDICTION made that choice for them."

Parents Giving Arts & Crafts Time a Bad Name

"Well," the mother stated with contained pride, "while Tommy isn't QUITE old enough to sound out these words, his teachers all agree that he is GRADE LEVELS ahead of his peers in accepting hatred into his heart."

Climate Change

Dear Climate Change,

You are the biggest douchebag ever. I heard about what you did to the dinosaurs- and I have to say that while I fell for your early sales pitch of warmer weather, I didn't realize the trade off was genocide. There is no way this is going to work out.